Is it wrong to spend a few hours of my morning looking at photos of me and my ex? Probably. I'm just wondering when I will feel anything again. I'm so full of him that I don't have room for anything else. I can barely tell when I'm angry, or happy or excited. It's like I'm under a very heavy blanket and the sounds and smells are all muted and muffled. I know that I'm supposed to have moved beyond this by now, but I simply don't have the will. I'm a wallower. I like to wallow. I like to re-live and recall.

It has been more than 4 months since he broke my heart. I still think about him every day. I wish that I didn't. We went sailing when he was here last. I took this picture. I still want what he is looking at. I still want what was just ahead of us. I want him to turn and face me like a man. But he is locked in this photo, forever with his back to me. Forever a coward.

I was just doing a search on Google for Detroit. I have been scanning websites like a crazy person with no luck. apparently, he has no internet profile. Someone with his name, however, does own a car dealership and I got to see hundreds of pictures of cars. On a whim, I googled myself. I have done this before but never with images. what came up were two pictures; one is of me and my oldest, dearest friend, standing together and looking hopeful. The other picture that comes up is this:
What is this guy doing? Why is he holding a chicken? I was going to blur his face to avoid any trouble posting his picture, but the resolution is so low, it doesn't seem to matter. What does seem to matter, is that according to the Internet, I'm either with my oldest, dearest friend, or I'm this guy holding a chicken. I hate birds. I would never hold a chicken. I would never even pet a chicken. I can't think of single situation in which I would even be anywhere near a chicken. But this guy? He looks pretty comfortable. He and the chicken look happy together. I guess I should be happy for them, happy that they have each other. I just wish that guy would change his name.

One should really not be allowed access to one's laptop when one has had 3 vodka grapefruits. If one finds oneself in front of one's laptop after 3 vodka grapefruits, one should certainly not email anyone of consequence. If one should find oneself emailing anyone of consequence, one should at least have the good sense to blind copy oneself on said email so that one can adequately prepare oneself for the consequences in the morning.
One is very very lucky that one is still witty and seemingly well thought out even after 3 vodka grapefruits.

I met this man in Miami when I was there a few weeks ago. Tall, tattooed, handsome, unbearably sexy and charming. We flirted. We danced. We tanned. We ate pizza. After a week of vacation we both went home, he to Detriot and I to Los Angeles. We promised to kep in touch.

Detroit has a boyfriend several years strong. They have a cabin in the woods. I don't have a cabin in the woods. If I did, Detroit and I would spend a lot of time there no doubt. What I do have is a public storage space. Not nearly as sexy but all my stuff is there. Maybe if I meet someone locally who doesn't have a boyfriend I can invite him to spend the weekend in my 7X11 padlocked Public Storage bin. We can sift through boxes to find a few candles, lean up against the bed which is propped on the wall and spend some quality romantic time together. Just the two of us. In my bin.

I have the worst taste in men. I always go for the one that is unavailable, unattainable or uninterested. In this case, though he seems at least mildly interested, the other two factors definitely apply. We have been emailing back and forth. He is threatening/suggesting that he might visit. I'd better get that storage space ready.

Craigslist has some crazy missed connections. In case you have never read one, a MISSED CONNECTION is a sad, lonely or otherwise socially inept person hoping against hope that someone he has a crush on will read his vague description of a chance encounter in which the crush-er has seen the crush-ee. They often read something like this:

You were in the the Alhambra Starbucks today on Fremont, brunette with jeans and cute colorful coat. You sat across from me and I said "how you doing". I should have said more but you looked busy prepraring for class. Would like to get to know you via email, phone or in person. Al

Simple enough; a few details, a polite request for contact and a little bit of shy charm. Of course, gay guys have a slightly different way of 'bumping' into someone:

You were walking around wearing chaps and a jock. You have a big cock I sucked you in hall and told you I would suck you any place you wanted. You were showing pic of how big you get. You were looking for others for a group. You checked my ass and asked if I was a bottom and said good boy. Would love to be your bottom boy for all night. I know the room numbder you guys were in would you just tell me so I know it is you.

Sheesh. Now, I know that we all like a worn in pair of chaps, but is this really the way to meet your next love? Do you really want to tell this story at holidays?

Well, it's the sweetest story really. I was in my assless chaps and he was in his lyrca bodysuit. I saw him checking me out, but I was busy getting serviced by this bear with a double jointed jaw and a mouthful of breathmints so I had to let him go. Thankfully he later posted a classified ad on a website we both peruse and I saw it. I don't know if it was the mention of m chaps or what, but the second I read it, I knew it was him. and we've been together ever since.

Not exactly something to tell grandma over egg nog and scones.

I'm auditioning for the CBS talent show Rockstar. Last season they found a new lead singer for INXS. this year the show has formed a new group called Supernova that consists of Tommy Lee (Motley Crue), Jason Newsted (Metallica) and Gilby Clarke (Guns N Roses). I'm really more the Bono, Eddie Vedder type of lead singer so I'm not sure exactly what I may accomplish with this audition but it can't hurt to get the exposure.

I'm not nearly as 'edgy' as these guys but if they want to cast me, maybe I'll run out and get my mother's name tattooed on my ass or something.

I've just taken an evil test. Here are the results. I was sure I would be more evil than a C+, but I have never shot a gun. Damnit. I should get on that.

You Are 74% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care. Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

How Evil Are You?

I also took this politics test. I didn't think I was so undecided. I have always thought of myself of opinionated, but it turns out that all my strong opinions just cancel each other out, leaving a Centrist in my place. Argh.

You are a Social Moderate (56% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (33% permissive) You are best described as a: Centrist Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

so bascially I've discovered that I'm not that evil or liberal in one fell swoop.

That show Without A Trace bugs. In the opening sequence someone vanishes, seemingly 'Without A Trace." But like 2 minutes later the detectives are on the trail following one clue to the next. It should be called 'With A Slight Trace." If people really vanished "Without A Trace" then the cast would wander around for 44 minutes looking for the missing person and never find him or her. It'd be like "Huh, this guy really DID disappear without a trace. How weird is that?"

I'm sort of in love with this new show 8th and Ocean about models living in South Beach. They are very pretty and not very bright. I have two criteria for viewing television:

1. All television should be about pretty people.
2. All television should be about people doing things I can't do like solving crimes and disarming bombs.

This show meets one of the criteria and so I'm happy to watch it. If we could get the models to become detectives it would be the best show on television.



His name is Teddy. He is a model. Doesn't he look modely? I know, I know what you're thinking. He seems really smart. But I'm much more interested in listening to him speak, not for what he says, but for HOW he says it. He has the cutest little accent. It's so square state sexy.

This is my first post. I'm not sure how blogging will make me an international rock sensation, but I guess it can't hurt.