Is it wrong to spend a few hours of my morning looking at photos of me and my ex? Probably. I'm just wondering when I will feel anything again. I'm so full of him that I don't have room for anything else. I can barely tell when I'm angry, or happy or excited. It's like I'm under a very heavy blanket and the sounds and smells are all muted and muffled. I know that I'm supposed to have moved beyond this by now, but I simply don't have the will. I'm a wallower. I like to wallow. I like to re-live and recall.

It has been more than 4 months since he broke my heart. I still think about him every day. I wish that I didn't. We went sailing when he was here last. I took this picture. I still want what he is looking at. I still want what was just ahead of us. I want him to turn and face me like a man. But he is locked in this photo, forever with his back to me. Forever a coward.